I regret my long absence from posting on this blog. Today I'd like to share a very personal experience that I had with my daughter on Sunday.
Ellie has struggled for the past few years with increasing anxiety. She was nervous, but gave her first talk in sacrament meeting when she was 13. But since then, she has not spoken. Last year, I read the talk that she had prepared for the congregation because she felt she could not do it. I was happy to share her thoughts and testimony with the congregation, but it bothered me that they weren't learning it from her. I know some adults who are so nervous to speak that I have never heard them speak in sacrament meeting. I feel like we're missing some valuable insight from people who don't share their thoughts and testimony. I wish we could hear from these people by at least having their prepared words read by someone else. This seems a good option for people who are too nervous to get up in front of everyone. But I still felt like Ellie should be able to get over her nervousness and speak. I felt like if I let her continue to "opt out" of speaking it would only get harder.
Several weeks ago, she was asked to speak on service and prepared a talk, but backed out of speaking at the last minute. I had to convince her to come to church anyway. I knew that coming to church was more important than giving her talk. The bishop talked to her afterwards and said he would find a date in December for her to speak. I was happy that no one made her feel bad about not speaking and she agreed to try another time.
At Thanksgiving we were with much of my family so Ellie practiced giving her talk in front of all of them. She got a lot of positive feedback and felt encouraged that she could do it. She also read the talk to Heath's mom and her Aunt KoKo and they really encouraged her to give it, pointing out that there were people who needed to hear her words.
After Thanksgiving I told the bishop that she had practiced and I think she would be ready to speak in December so he asked her to speak on December 8. She practiced again the night before and asked me if I would go up to the stand with her when she had to speak and I agreed. I believe she stayed up way too late Saturday night but I'm not entirely sure because we all go to bed before she does. When I went into her room in the morning, she said she didn't think she could go because she had cramps and was too tired. I felt really strongly that I needed to help her get past this, even if it meant she didn't speak in church. I told her I really wanted her to be there and knew that Heavenly Father would help her. I sat on her bed and explained to her that I wasn't sure what to do, but I really thought she should start getting ready. She got angry and said if I wasn't sure what to do, I should pray about it. So I sat there on her bed and started praying.
After awhile, she got tired of me being on her bed and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later, I still wasn't sure what to do and told Heath. Then I went in the bathroom to check on her. She was lying on the bathroom floor and saying things about wishing she wasn't alive. So I sat there with her and told her that I wasn't going to leave the bathroom floor while she was in such a state. So she moved back to her bedroom (She kept telling me she wanted to be left alone.) So I came out to talk to Heath again and texted the bishop and her YW leader to tell them she wasn't going to make it to church.
Then I just felt so bad about her not going that I felt like I should stay home with her. I never do this. On the rare occasions when someone is not feeling well or "sleeps in" , we always just leave them home alone. But for some reason this time, I didn't want to do that. So I went in to her room and told her how I was feeling. I told her that I just didn't feel like going to church anymore because she wasn't going to go, so "I guess I'll just stay home and be sad with you." Then I started really crying because I was so overcome with feelings of true sadness. Immediately, she jumped out of bed and said "Fine! I'm going to church!" and started getting ready.
I went to my room to finish crying. I felt so overwhelmed with emotion and frustrated that I had to go to such depths and that she changed her mind so quickly. As I pulled myself together and started preparing myself to go to church, the words to a song came into my mind and wouldn't leave. I searched up the words "There are so many voices, so many different choices, we cannot find our way alone" and found the song "Three Kings" from Michael McClean's "Forgotten Carols" album. I listened to this song and felt comforted as I continued to get ready.
Heath and the other kids went early to pick up someone on the way to church. Ellie and I arrived just during the sacrament hymn. I spent a lot of time thinking about the morning during the sacrament and feeling grateful that Ellie was finally there with me, even after the roller coaster of emotions. I wondered if they would still announce her as a speaker. I had texted the Bishop as we were leaving the house to let him know we'd be late. After the sacrament, the counselor who was conducting stood up and sort of hesitated as he said "Our youth speaker will be Eliana Thornton". She looked at me and asked me to go with her and I did. I stood right next to her with one arm around her and the other hand holding on to her arm. At first I looked up at the congregation but then decided to keep my eyes down because I didn't want to be noticed. She read her prepared words fluently and seemingly with ease. It was almost strange to me that she had expressed such nervousness about speaking because she seemed quite confident as she spoke.
After the meeting ended, several people came up to her and hugged her, thanking her for the talk and saying they really felt like a lot of people needed to hear the words she spoke. I felt so grateful that it had happened the way it did. Later I noticed a text from the bishop asking me if she was ready to speak, but I'm glad I never saw it. I think the way it happened forced her to make the decision in a split-second and this made it easier for her to just do it.
Later I related this story to my Mom and she shared some valuable insight. I was complaining to her that I had had to go to such "depths" of emotion in order to get Ellie to go to church in the first place. And wondered why after I told her I would stay home with her, she immediately got up and said she was going to go after all? She told me it was because she could see that I really had empathy for her. And she didn't want me to be sad too, so she decided to turn it around.
I didn't at first realize that my prayer to know what to do had been answered. But now I can see that God helped me by planting that empathy in my heart and being able to express it in a way that was sincere and believable. My Mom said that because I've never struggled with the same things that Ellie struggles with, it's impossible for me to really understand how she feels. But her Savior knows, and he is able to give me that knowledge when I most need it. He planted the empathy in my heart and I truly felt the sadness and pain that she was feeling in that moment.
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12)
